A non-sequitor: A new contender!

Its probably a little early to get distracted, but I'm easily distracted, so oh well.  My affection for Cade and Kallie should be fairly apparent from this blog, but after last week, I think I have a new contender to vie for my attention.  I'm referring to the fried chicken at Federal Donuts in south Philly.  I can't help but think that within one week, I experienced perhaps two of the greatest days of my life - the birth of my son and tasting Federal Donuts' fried chicken.  If categorizing those things together sounds ridiculous, then go try the chicken!  Now, right now!  Get up and go to 2nd and Federal St, and order the fried chicken....they stop selling chicken some time between 1 and 2 pm so, you might not want to go right now, but as soon as possible.  Do it!

I'm not a big fried chicken fan, in fact I don't particular care for it, and rarely enjoy it for a meal.  However, after hearing all the over-the-top reviews, I felt compelled to give it a shot.  When I finally got there early in the afternoon, I order the "Harissa" flavored chicken to go - its spozed to have a little spicy kick to it. 

mmmmmmmmm......

When I got home and opened the box the smell was overwhelming.  The chicken had an appropriate amount of fried goodness on each piece.  But it was the first bite that won me over - I was immediately hooked like a crack-addicted dumpster baby (that was a good always sunny episode eh).  The chicken was perfectly juicy and tender.  The chicken flavor exploded into my mouth like Cade cannonballing out of Laura (perhaps not the most appetizing analogy, but I'm not a food critic, so whatever). 

I was reminded of the scene from the movie Ratatouille when the evil critic tries the ratatouille and is transported back to a defining moment from his childhood.  Although I experienced no such transcendent moment, I instead started hyperventilating and projectile drooling, as I tried to describe the indescribable flavors to Laura, who, in perhaps the single worst decision ever made by anyone, refused to try the chicken.  So there we were, me drooling over the chicken, Kallie drooling on the floor while dreaming of getting a piece of the chicken, and Caden vomiting up all over Laura. 

How'd she get there?

So, I thought I should compare the contributions of Cade and Kallie against the new contender, fried chicken.  The fried chicken left my stomach and taste-buds comfortably full and extremely satisfied.  It gave me fairly greasy hands though they were easily cleaned.  The addiction may also prove to be problematic and fattening but we'll need more time to see how that plays out.  On the other hand, fried chicken has not used our house as a bathroom or otherwise required any changing.  It doesn't wake up crying throughout the night, require frequent walks or lay all over the furniture.  Fried chicken also doesn't need an endless supply of accessories. 

Did I just poop my pants?

 

Change me...pwease?

Wake me up in an hour.

The point goes to fried chicken!  Fried chicken probably won't make appearances regular appearances, so we will just consider it an honorary point to emphasize its greatness.  Federal Donuts fried chicken - the best thing ever (other than Cade and Kallie, maybe).

Elitist bastards selling out of tasty chicken!

Kallie: 2  Cade: 1  Fried Chicken: 1

A Mother's Tale: Caden's Birth

When Pete asked me to be a guest contributor, I wasn’t terribly interested since my “free time” these days is usually dedicated to cleaning the never-ending spit-up, droppings, and urine; sweeping up the dog hairballs from our very stressed out and anxious puppy; and catching an occasional nap. However, once I read Pete’s interpretation of our dear son’s birth day, I felt obligated to convey the truth of that day to our dedicated followers. You see, my husband has a very interesting way of remembering things. Here is the story from Mommy’s perspective of Cade’s big day.

It was about 1:00 AM on Tuesday, December 6th when I started to feel some cramping. When I told Pete, he concluded it was most likely gas figuring it was too early for Baby Jaslow’s arrival. After all, he hadn’t even wrapped up his work at the office since he assumed the baby wouldn’t come until after his affairs were in order. Babies usually operate on a schedule that’s convenient for Mom and Dad, right?

I tried to rest for the next 2 hours, but the pain was getting progressively worse. By 3:30 AM, I decided it was time to wake my snoring husband. I told him I was going to go downstairs to eat something in preparation for the long day ahead and to try to practice my breathing techniques to ease the pain. I assured him that I would be OK and that he should get some sleep because the next 24 hours might be pretty exhausting. I wanted him to be well rested so he could keep me going throughout the day.

By 6:00 AM, I was in agony. I went back upstairs to find Pete sound asleep. (I really didn’t think he would be able to sleep knowing that I was in labor downstairs, but then again, this is the same person who fell asleep in every class in high school…and somehow still ended up with an A++++ average….and at our prom when he was “hypnotized” by the hypnotist who was hired as the evening’s entertainment. I still believe he just fell asleep.) Pete seemed in utter shock and disbelief when I woke him to tell him it was time to go to the hospital. In typical Pete fashion, he began cracking jokes to ease some of the tension. None of his jokes were funny. He also started snapping “cute” pictures of me in labor. None of these pictures were at all cute...see “Day 0: The Birth.”

When we got to the hospital, the jokes and the pictures kept on coming, as did my frustration with my baby daddy. What are some of the things my dear husband said, you ask? Here are some examples: “I’m so tired!!” “I’m hungry.” “I’m so hot. Why did I wear this sweatshirt??” On an ordinary day, these comments would not have upset me. But the fact that I had been awake all night, with only a half bowl of cream of wheat in my stomach, and sweating like I had just run a marathon, I could not have cared less about Pete’s mild discomfort. In addition to these remarks, the nurse on duty thought it would be helpful to tell me that my “contractions would get a billion times worse” and that what I was experiencing was “nothing!” Thanks, nurse… b*#%^. Little did this b*#%^ nurse know at the time, I was already 5 centimeters dilated when I walked through the hospital door. Take that, nurse!

It was around this time, that my favorite nurse decided to take some blood and hook me up to an IV. While I was writhing in pain from the contractions, and the nurse was searching for my hidden veins, Pete was turning as white as a hospital bed sheet in the corner of the room. He claimed, with what I thought were tears in his eyes, he couldn’t watch because it was making him queasy. I truly thought he was going to pass out. Now I thought, “Holy crap, I am screwed.” The nurse says my contractions are going to get a billion times worse, and my coach is about to pass out because of a very small needle!!

I was so thankful when another man came into my life on this particular morning: The Epidural Man (and he wasn’t even afraid of needles!). If I weren’t already married, and in the middle of birthing someone else’s baby, I might have kissed him. Within minutes of getting the epidural, I was saved. My pain subsided and my sleepy, hot, hungry coach was, once again, able to fall into a deep slumber on the nearby couch while we waited for Caden to make his grand entrance.

From this point on, Papasaurus did a pretty good job of accurately describing the birth of our son. Caden shot out like a “flash” (Pete says he foresaw that part which is why he was so adamant about his original choice of name) after only about 20 minutes of pushing and was placed (goo and all!) on my chest. It was truly a beautiful moment between Mommy, Daddy, and little "Flash.” My hatred of Pete’s jokes and picture-taking subsided. My coach did a terrific job getting me through the long day. All was peaceful in the world…well at least until it was time for baby Caden to eat.

-Mamadactyl

Day 0: The Birth

It took me longer to finish this post than expected, not because it was difficult to decide on the winner, but because i am freaking exhausted!  You try getting 4 hours of sleep in 1 hour increments over a period of a week.  So stop pressuring me!  Enjoy!

Caden's Day:

Something doesn't feel right....

I was sound asleep at about 1:30 to 2 am on December 6, 2011 when Laura woke me up to let me know she was experiencing some cramping.  I told her it was probably just gas and she should try and go back to sleep.  She woke me again at about 3:30 am to tell me I was wrong.  The cramping turned out to be labor pains.  I have not slept well since that night.  From what I've been told, it is probably the last night I will and that doesn't bode well for little Cade.

On our way to the hospital I attempted several jokes to ease Laura's anxiety.  Stuff like - "hey im pretty tired, mind if we stop for coffee" or "do you think we can walk to the hospital?"  None of that seemed to work, and I was quickly reprimanded.  :(

Make another joke and die!

We struggled through a couple hours of labor without the epidural.  It was especially tough for me to watch the IV going in.  The nurse really had a hard time finding the vein and the needle kept going in and out, pushing through laura's skin from within - I had to sit down.  Things finally settled down once we got the epidural man down to the room.  After a couple naps, baby was ready to start his great escape at about a quarter 5.

Caden's long planned and eagerly awaited escape took a mere 20 minutes to execute.  Notwithstanding a couple hours preparation, we were taken aback by his brazen getaway tactics.  Instead of a slow crawl to freedom through a couple inches of bodily canals that I can't even imagine (or maybe I just don't want to), he shot forth like a Slimer-covered Venkman cannonball,  He would have flown at least a 5 ft if the maidwife wasn't prepared  Screw D'Jack, that lady had soft hands to be able to haul in a line drive pass of a bodily fluid covered ball (or baby)!

Where did he come from?

From our perspective it was all shock and awe.  Human sacrifice, cats and dogs living together...mass hysteria!  Then, before cleaning or anything, Cade was laid down right on top of mom.  Come on!  He could have taken a quick shower!  We would have waited.  Well at least I was clean.

The moment was powerful, between the anticipation and excitement and the terror of required accompaniments.  So though the day will  rank up there at the top of my best days, I have had trouble deciding whether I could award Cade points for his terrifyingly foul jailbreak.

I'm going to pretend to yawn to lure them into a false sense of security and then freak out!!!

Then, if that wasn't enough, he cried on the warming table, crapped on the weight machine (note - he was the same before and after....how's that possible?), cried in the crib in the recovery room, leaked something on mommy, and then cried a little more.  Im confused about which day is which at this point so some of that crying might have happened on the second night but whatever.  At least I got to sleep at home.

Cade enjoying his first cigar.  It was chocolate, so don't call social services.

Kallie Day:


Kallie was just as confused as me when she got her morning walk at 6:00.  I think she started to fall asleep while peeing.  Of course she was over-joyed when she got to eat early.  Then she was sad when we left.

Don't pee in my house!

Luckily for her, our very nice friends, Michelle and Josh, took Kallie to play with her best friends.  Kallie first got to go for a walk with Michelle and Mato.  Kallie's confused and loves to hump Mato, so I'm sure that was a blast for her.

Later, Josh took Kallie back to his place to wrestle with Baxter the boxer.  They wrestle pretty aggressively so that got out a lot of her energy.  Baxter likes to pee after wrestling so fortunately they were playing at Josh's house.  Josh also left a surprise gift for laura in the fridge when he dropped Kallie off.

Laura hasn't been able to shut up about Guinness since month 5,  no day 5, of the pregnancy.

All these names are upside down!

When I returned home, I found a well-behaved Kallie sleeping on her beddy.  She was kind enough not to destroy anything in our home, which is a major plus.  She even helped me search for a name for Cade.  I know we had 9 months (maybe 10) to agree on a name, but we were planning on hammering it out during that final week.

I brought home one of Cade's hospital towels so that she could get his scent.  She was only temporarily interested.

I want a treat not a towel!

After a quick late night walk, Kallie jumped into her mom's spot on the bed to keep it warm for Laura.  She slept soundly, unlike what I was told about Cade's night...so thank you Kallie, but don't tell mom cause I said you required a lot of attention and had rhea in the bedroom.

Sweepy time.

Omg, who gave me a baby?

The Bottom Line:


Kallie was good and cute all day.  She didn't have any problems.  Cade had a lot of unpleasant foulness that came along with him but was a welcome addition to our family.  So, after careful consideration, I felt too cruel  not to give Caden any credit, and have decided to declare a tie for the day.  I've awarded both contestants 1 point for their contributions.

The Score:


Kallie: 2  Caden: 1

- Papasaurus

Next time: a new contender arises?

Pre-Birth: The 9 (really, 10) months of Pregnancy

I thought it would be appropriate, even if not completely fair, to start the competition at its earliest possible stage - Laura's pregnancy.  At that point we had:

Caden = a monster?

vs.

 Seriously?  How can you beat that?!



Well, it seems pretty obvious who's going to win this one.  But if that wasn't enough, lets see what else happened during Laura's pregnancy (fyi - for those that haven't been there yet and therefore don't know, apparently a full-term prego is 10 months, not the 9 we all hear about in grade school.  Thanks for the advance notice, as if the gestation period wasn't long enough already.  Not that anyone randomly decided to lengthen the period, but it felt that way.  On the other hand, are we not sure that evolution didn't just increase it from 9 to 10 months?  'Cause I was really sure everyone said it was 9 months until we found out Laura was pregnant).

The pregnancy period was pretty much Kallie's to lose.  I mean, unborn and unnamed Caden, really didn't and couldn't do much to impress, but he did find many ways cause problems.  Lets see:

• Laura had months of acid reflux (i.e. I got to run all over the house at various hours looking for the TUMs)
• No drinking for mom = less drinking and more guilt when drinking for dad.  This also resulted in zero sympathy for hangovers, so guess who got to walk the dog at 8 am after a night of drinking?
• An absurd number of pee breaks.  I believe we counted 17 in one day.  How do you go to the bathroom before leaving the house and have to pee as soon as you're out the door?  Has anyone invented a handheld portable toilet?
• Random hip and back pains for mom
• Food cravings (there is actually some upside here since I got to indulge as well)
• No drinking!!  Makes it difficult to attend the beer festival!
• Need for regular naps - what about all the chores?
• Spending lots of money in preparation - priceless....no that can't be right
• Stress over picking a name
• No drinkin!!$%!!@!!! GAH!

Really Cade?  That's all you could contribute?  Not even a smile in that crazy ultrasound picture...

Now, Kallie on the other hand....BAM:

Let me out, pwease?

SHAPOW:

and WAHDOOSH:

Whatever, I'm comfortable.



Kallie even took time out of her busy day to check-on mommy and make sure everything was okay:

Did I just feel something move?

She's currently training for her medical degree.  Sure, Kallie did have some not so good moments (i.e. eating a pillow, sock, shoe or drywall), but they really don't add up enough to merit consideration at this time.

So after careful consideration, I think the winner for this contest is clear - Kallie by a landslide.  To Kallie goes the first point, giving us an initial score of:

Puppy: 1   Baby: 0

- Papasaurus

Introduction: Baby vs. Puppy

Hello intertube surfers!  Long time reader, first time blogger - so I'm learning as I go. 

Kallie enjoying a walk on the Ben Franklin Bridge

My wife, Laura, and I have been the proud parents of Kallie, a yellow lab for about 2 and 1/2 years now.   When not eating our walls or using our house as a restroom, she has been the apple of our eyes and the third member of our family.  Sometimes we're not sure whether she's our adopted or biological daughter (we haven't told which her yet).  In fact, Kallie seems to monopolize our photos, social networking profiles, and social lives.


It was just the three of us until December 6, 2011, when our first human child, a baby boy named Caden, exploded (almost literally) into the world.  We were quickly overwhelmed by the power of little Caden's charm.  Now that it is the four of us living in a small townhouse in downtown Philadelphia, we have been imagining that the two compete for our affection. 

I've since remembered what we were told by a number of friends of family-members throughout Laura's pregnancy - that Kallie would quickly take a back seat to Caden.   We always disagreed with their sentiments and assured them that Kallie would be equally important in our family.  Now, in order to conclusively proove who was right, I decided to document our daily routines to see who actually is cuter and more deserving of our love and affection. 

I therefore created this blog to analyze their daily behavior on a completely objective basis.  I'll pretty much be posting the best and worst of Caden and Kallie on an as often as possible basis, and then awarding points using a state-of-the-art system to the best child to the day.  I'll be continually tallying those points in order to determine the current front runner.

A quick note - to those saying it's not fair to make your children compete for our affection or that a baby has to be more important than a dog, I say don't read this blog.  This is only intended to be a fun and humorous way to document our day with Caden and Kallie.  Plus, I'll love whoever I want!

Thanks for stopping by.  I hope you enjoy.

- Papasaurus

P.S. I just heard Caden make some seriously disturbing noises from his rear end....I think I know whose going to come out on top this day.