Nickname Challenge

If I lose, I eat your head.

Laura and I have a bunch of nicknames that we use when talking to or about our kids.  We seem to have amassed quite a number, even with Cade only being a couple months old.  This morning I came up with the bright idea of posing a nickname challenge between the two to see who has the best nicknames.  I have listed each kid's nicknames below.  Feel free to vote for the names you like best.  Whoever gets the most votes, gets a point!

Caden	Kallie
Flash	Puppy
Buddy	Puppywuppy
Puppy	Puppywupsakins
Little Bear	Puppybear
Munchkin	Puppy Magoo
Little Boy	Kalliebear
	Kallister
	Kalster
	Kalcifer
	Kalico
	Poopyface
	Kalpers
	Kalliwalli
	Kallipup
	Kallikins
	Crapbag
	Stinkerbutt
	Kalimazoo (not a real nickname but thought it was funny)

Let us know which names you like better!

Whose nicknames reign supreme?

- Papasaurus

The First Month: Oh how the turn tables turn!

So I've fallen behind - blogging is more difficult than anticipated.  In an effort to catch up, I'm want to going to attempt to recap the rest of the first month in this post. 

This is post-poop, pre-sleep

By the second week, we had started to get in some sort of routine.  Cade has three modes: Eat, Poop (also pee, but thats not as tramautic if its contained to the diaper), Sleep.  I'm going to call it EPS, or Every Poop Sucks....but especially the ones that don't fit in his pants.  Those are situations.

He also had to be changed quite often usually either because of the aforementioned poop going out the pants or because he has a knack for throwing up all over himself (and sometimes money).  Although I really think Laura just liked to put him in a bunch of different clothes.  

Cade in his PSU uniform before scandal breaks
but after throwing up on mommy... :)

Getting ready to sleep at any second...

Getting used to Cade's cycle was similar to what we went through with Kallie.  For instance, Kallie used to like to pee whenever and wherever.  Of course, she usually picked the carpet as opposed to any of the flat tile or laminent flooring.  She also had the knack for shock-and-awe stlye waking us up in the middle of the night by vomiting up her dinner at the foot of our bed.  This gave us plenty of experience with cleaning up bodily nonsensitys.  Laura especially has progressed from those early days.  When Kallie was a wee-little pup, we didn't want to pick her crap off the ground, so Laura developed a method of stealthily sneaking up on her right as she begins to pop-a-squat and holding a poop bag under her rear.  Although the method actually worked, we received many a strange look, including from Kallie herself, and eventually switched to the traditional reversed-bag method (on a side note, if you see anyone using our sneak-a-poop-bag-under-the-butt technique, please tell them we are patenting that process and to promptly cease and desist).  I tried to employ the sneak-a-poop-bag-under-the-butt tactic on Cade, but Cade refused to ever pop-a-squat out in the alley - I also received many stranger looks than when attempted with Kallie.

Cade enjoyed a burrito at El Vez.  I ate his left overs.

After Cade's 1 week doctor appointment, the doctor confirmed it was copistetic to take him out in public.  We had already been going out to a couple places but after we got the a-okay we wanted to make sure Cade got accustomed to sleeping in public.  This was not a problem for him.

Cade on trip to Philly's Xmas village.

Since the winter cold hadn't yet rolled in, we took the pair on several trips to the park.  To be clear, this was Kallie's park, Cade was invited as a guest.  He wasn't particularly interested anyway.  Kallie, on the other hand, was beyond extatic to be making regular trips back to her stomping ground.  She and her friends found endless ways to entertain herself (see below).  The family trip to the park was enjoyed by all...although each in our own way.

Cade's time at the park:

I don't see what the big deal is about this park.

Kallie's time at the park:

You decide who had a better time....

Why is everything trying to kill me?

As we continued to get used to handling Cade, Kallie picked up some concerning behavior.  She was hd become noticeably jumpy around a bunch of the new stuff in the house.  She hated Cade's car seat, pack-and-play crib-a-ma-jig, vibrating baby seat, diaper genie, stroller, and, worst of all, the rocking horse (which arrived courtesy of grandma).  We're pretty sure that these new fears, coupled with Kallie's already overwhelming fear of the vacuum cleaner, broom and mop, loud noises, and knocks on the door, gave her a nervous breakdown. We had noticed she started walking around muttering "serenity now."  At any rate, this all built up to Kallie developing what we thought was a nervous leak.  Yes, by leak, I mean urinary leak, which she unknowingly did around the apartment.  Oh joy.  Now, we had one kid in diapers that didn't know how to control his bodily movements, and one that knew how but couldn't. And although there are doggie diapers, we weren't ready to start using those on Kallie.  Therefore and despite our trying to shower Kallie with affection and making her feel secure, we had a lot of cleaning up to do  Grrrr.  (update: we have since been to the vet several times and tried several different approaches, as of mid-Feb., I think we finally have it under control)

Find somewhere else to sleep.  This is my bed now.

All and all, the rest of the month went more smoothly than expected.  Unfortunately, it ended poorly when I realized I had to go back to work.

With respect to this post's point, it looks like this may be the start of a comeback.  Kallie's need for more and more attention together with the leaking does not a point make.  On the other hand, Cade took the safe approach with the try not to lose tactic.  It worked this time and I'm awarding him his second point!

Score:

Kallie: 3
Cade: 2

Don't call it a comeback....yet!

- Papasaurus

A Mother’s Tale: The Baby Whisperer?

A little over 4 years ago, the Wieland/Jackson family was blessed with a little girl named Devon.
Devon was the first grandchild on both sides of the family and, as you might expect, she was spoiled by everyone…well, almost everyone. I say “almost everyone” because there was one person who didn’t spend 80% of his salary on her, cuddle with her, or hug and kiss her. 

Devon Jackson

Uncle Pete had never really been around kids before. He didn’t understand them nor did he know how to speak to them in a “baby voice.” He thought babies should be talking and walking by the time they are three months old. He didn’t understand why they would want to poop in their pants. But there was something about Uncle Pete that Devon absolutely loved. Whenever I would call my dear sweet niece Devon, she would immediately say, “Where Unca Pete?” Pete must have sensed her question and proceeded to wave his arms and shake his head so as to say, “I am not here!!!” To this day, Devon must think Pete is at work 24 hours a day. Even though he never once spoke to her on the phone, bought her birthday presents, or acknowledged her existence, Devon LOVED Unca Pete: The Baby Whisperer.

Fast forward 4 years. Caden Finneas Jaslow arrives.

Several Fridays ago, I woke up feeling fantastic. I didn’t get too much sleep, but I didn’t have anything to do during the day, so I woke up feeling very relaxed. I was particularly excited because later that night, Pete and I were going to go to a friend’s going away party. Nanny was coming to take care of our little boy so we could party it up with our friends. It was going to be a terrific Friday! Or so I thought…

It all started to go downhill around 8:00 AM (note: we woke up at 7:45AM). Mr. Cade decided to wear his cranky pants. Apparently, he did not get the memo that this was supposed to be a terrific, relaxing Friday. He cried when I fed him, when I put him in his favorite seat, when I gave him a pacifier, when I laid him down flat, when I bounced him, when I rocked him, when I made funny faces and sounds, when I gave him a toy, and when I took him for a walk in the Baby Bjorn. I think I even made up my own rendition of “Go the F to sleep” at one point. He…was…a nightmare. I can’t wait till I can bribe my child with a cookie or cash to stop crying.

Mommy

At around 3:30 PM, I am pretty certain a clinical psychologist would have considered me insane. I hadn’t eaten a thing all day and was beginning to beg Kallie for her help with her little brother. She, of course, did not have any other ideas for me. After all, she is a dog. I was so jealous of my puppy when she got up and walked her little furry butt upstairs to lie in the comfy bed and take a snooze. Maybe this makes me a bad mom, but I was very tempted to leave the crying newborn downstairs and accompany my always-happy, never crying pup. Instead, I decided it was more appropriate to call Daddy.

I felt like it had been days since I slept, ate, or spoke to someone other than a dog. Pete must have also secretly diagnosed me with a case of insanity because he immediately said, “I’m coming home” upon hearing the distress in my voice. I’ve always thought that dogs had this special ability to sense when their owner was almost home. My childhood dog, Kutja, would go berserk and within about 10 minutes, my father would walk in the door. Kutja sensed it. I had no idea that an infant could have the same superpower…even my superhero son, Flash. About 10 minutes before Pete walked through the door, after roughly 7.5 hours of absurdity, Cade miraculously stopped crying. The Baby Whisperer struck again.

"Mommy, please don't disturb boys time."

It can be frustrating as a mom to drop everything in your life for your adorable child only to have him look at you and scream bloody murder. Doesn’t he know that I gave up my coffee-shop-hopping, FUNemployed lifestyle for him?! Doesn’t he realize how God awful it is to change a diaper when the poop has gone up to his neck?! But it only takes one sweet smile after singing a round of “The Wheels on the Bus” to make it all not only worth it, but absolutely incredible.

-Mamadactyl

A Mother’s Tale: Not the Milkman’s Son

When you have a baby, the first thing everyone does when they meet the baby is try to decide who the baby most resembles: Mom or Dad. I believe every parent hopes that they are the “winner” of this great debate. Over the past 5 weeks, I have looked at my new son very closely to determine how he is like both Pete and me. I have discovered that my little boy, whom I carried for 39 weeks, gave up my beloved Guinness for, and gained XX lbs. for, is NOTHING like me. If the situation was reversed, and he was nothing like his father, people would have started speculating who the father really is by now. But it is very clear. I gave birth to Cade, and Pete is definitely the father. Here is a list of some of the similarities between my sweet Cade and his daddy:

1. Looks – Just look at him! He is a mini-Pete. Same mouth, nose, and thinning hair (just kidding, Pete! Sort of…). The only main difference is that Cade’s head is only in the 25th percentile (thank God for me!), while it is widely believed that Pete’s is in the 99th percentile.

2. Clothing Supervision – Pete always brags that it only takes him five minutes to get ready to go out at night. However, he almost always has a mini meltdown when he has to pick out a shirt to wear. I end up having to supervise this experience so he doesn’t give up and wear his gray hoodie. Although Cade doesn’t have a meltdown over clothing decisions, he also needs Mommy’s assistance when picking out his outfit which he inevitably throws up on and needs to be changed before we leave the house….which then leads to Mommy’s meltdown. :(

3. Indigestion and Other Stomach Problems – Gas. Ugh. Why do men and babies have so much gas?! I once watched an episode of “Myth Busters” where they concluded that women and men produce the same amount of gas. I call B.S. on this one. Cade is constantly burping and farting all day long. The other day, he actually burped, farted, hiccupped, and spit-up all at the same time! What did Pete say to this? “Wow, that’s talent!” Pete is also known for his gas “talent.” Back in 2005 when the Eagles played the Patriots in the SuperBowl, a group of friends decided to watch the game in a bar in Philadelphia. What did Pete carry to the bar in his pocket? A flask of
alcohol perhaps? Nope, it was a regular sized bottle of Maloxx.

4. Sleep – Have you ever heard the expression “He could sleep through a bomb going off”? Well that’s exactly what I think of when Pete and Cade are sleeping. It’s unbelievable how soundly these two sleep. Pete’s “gift” has allowed him to completely tune out Cade’s cries in the middle of the night (or maybe I am just naïve?). Cade is the same way. When people knock on our front door, they are immediately greeted by a very ferocious sounding dog. I don’t know where this habit came from (sarcasm: it's cousins Bailee and Raven),but it’s terribly loud and annoying. Our next door neighbors probably jump out of their skin, but my Cade does not flinch! In addition to sleeping through very loud noises, they can also sleep in strange places/positions. Please refer to my previous post “A Mother’s Tale: Caden’s Birth” which explains how Pete fell asleep at our senior prom (still bitter about this one). Cade often sleeps across Pete’s body (see picture). He often sleeps the best when he looks the most uncomfortable.

5. Multiple Sneezes – People who know Pete know that he suffers from allergies. Just like potato chips, when Pete sneezes, he can’t just have one. Cade has inherited Pete’s multiple sneeze. I once overheard Pete bragging to Cade that he has the record for multiple sneezes. Jeez, Pete, give him a break! He’s only been practicing for 5 weeks! In case you were wondering, Pete’s record is 5. Cade is following close behind at 4.

6. Overreacting - Pete and Cade have a tendency to overreact in certain situations. For example, Pete went WAY overboard when Cade happened to pee on him while being changed one day. Sure, it was Pete’s first time ever changing a diaper when it happened, but jeez Pete, it wasn’t pee laced with kryptonite! Then there’s Cade. When Cade is hungry, he goes from a sound sleep to a blood curdling wail. Is that really necessary?! Will the milk come out quicker if you wail, little guy? I think not. A simple “rooting reflex” and a light "coo" will get the point across just fine.

So you might think that I am a bit sad that my first born child turned out to be exactly like his father and nothing like me. But I’m not. There’s still a chance he could be a neat freak, guidance counselor, or develop a love of purses and bags like his mother. But even if he doesn’t turn out like me, that’s OK! The way I see it is I chose my husband because I love him for all of his character traits. Aren’t I so lucky that I was sent a little boy with a lot of those same traits! I would say I am one lucky, happy Mommy to have not one, but two wonderful boys in my life. :)

-Mamadactyl

Non-sequitor: This was pretty timely!

I found this youtube video last week.  Even though the two stars of the clip appear to be best friends instead of rivals, I still found it somewhat relevant.  Perhaps one day, Cade and Kallie will be best buddies as well - for the time being we will settle for Kallie's passing interest in Cade (I'm pretty sure Cade just thinks Kallie is some kind of recurring phenomenon that moistens his face).

The video may no longer be available in which case you can get it at the following link - Baby Plays with Puppy: Cutest YouTube Video Ever?

 

Here is a shot of Kallie and Cade's most recent interaction:

 

 

What do you think: Lamb for Diapers?

I offered Laura what I thought was a pretty sweet deal last night.  She eventually declined to take it, which made me think to see what everyone else would think. 

Here's the deal - while we were out in Yardley, we went out to get some Greek food at Canal Street.  We both ordered Greek salads but I got mine with lamb.  When the salads came out, I quickly noticed how enjoyable the lamb was.  The lamb was served in pretty thin pieces, kinda gyro stylish, but then cut into small pieces.  It was very tasty.

Since I was enjoying it so much I thought to offer Laura the following deal.  You see, we have this dynamic where I am regularly trying to get her to try foods she has never had before.  Lamb is one of those foods.  Despite my ongoing efforts to convince her of its delicatability, she has never tried and refuses to try lamb in any of its incarnations. 

I therefore offered that if she tried one piece (remember they were small) and didn't like it, I would change all of Cade's diapers during the coming weekend (that would have included me getting up at the god awful hours in the middle of the night despte the fact that I can't feed him).  She thought about it for a while but never bit.  So I was left wondering whether this was a fair deal.  What do you think? (just to clarify - I am asking whether the deal was fair and not whether lamb is good or bad).

Was trading lamb tasting for changing diapers a good deal?

Day 5: the pee cannon

On my way home from the hospital. I made it!

After two days in the hospital, Laura was discharged and we were sent home with Baby Jaslow.  There was no discharge test, release form or instruction manual provided.  Millions of idiots carry around certified CPR cards but at least they have to sit through a one day class.  We didn't have to do anything other than have the baby and the hospital people just assume that we know what to do with it once it's there.  A little presumption is all I'm saying, especially since we ddn't know what we were doing.  I mean do you take the baby out to play golf right away or do you let him unpack first?  At any rate, there we were, unlicensed parents, bringing baby Caden home from the hospital to introduce him to his sister, Kallie.

I should note that our first problem arose immediately upon exiting the hospital.  While I am proud to report that I correctly installed the car seat, we had know idea how to adjust the straps/seat belt in order lock Cade in.  After fiddling with all the straps and belts for 15 minutes in a 10 minute loading zone, a nurse standing nearby was kind enough to point out that we had to press the suspiciously large and obvious button in the front to unlock the straps.  Genius!

What a long ride home it was!

After leaving the hospital, I quickly realized what I missed about the hospital - that the nurses change the baby's diapers for you.  So I brought Cade back on the third day for the changing but was promptly told it was my.job and to kindly leave.  I don't know what the problem.   I had brought them a diaper and some wipes they could use? 

Since I was rejected at the hospital it became clear I had to learn how to do it myself.  So for the first two days at home I carefully studied Laura changing him to get the basics.  I figured once I was duly prepared and had the courage or until Laura got fed up with my various evasive tactics (i.e. suddenly having to mow the lawn...we live in the city), which ever comes first, I would attempt to change my diaper. 

My "good" friend, Doug.

Of course, on the third day home, after hearing a particularly loud bowel movement from Cade, our good friend, Doug, who happened to be visiting opened up his big mouth and suggested that I change a diaper.  Thanks Doug, I'll remember that.  Under pressure, I felt compelled to attempt my first changing. 

It was a disaster from the beginning.  Cade appeared noticeably concerned when he saw that it was going to be me changing his diaper.  He decided to start crying, and by crying I mean screaming, the moment I put him on the change table.  By the time I got his clothes and diaper off, you would have thought I told him Santa wasn't coming or that he wasn't allowed to eat cookies.  He did not seem to understand that I was trying to help him, instead he just keeps kicking his legs and rolling from side to side as if it was funny to make it difficult on me. 

I finally got him all cleaned off and ready to put a new diaper on when it happened - he decided to relieve himself without a diaper on, the eponymous pee cannon.  Without a diaper on, he fired a stream of urine across the room, landing on the floor, changing table, himself and maybe Kallie.  I rushed to minimize the damage by throwing a diaper on top of him but the ongoing kicking deflected the diaper and sprayed the pee around further, oh joy.  I had watched Laura on over a dozen changes by then, and never had Cade unleashed the fury of the pee cannon.  It was just my luck that he decided to do so on my first changing.  I was immediately traumatized and suggested to Laura that I needed a several week respite from changing Cade.  That didn't go over well.

This is apparently what your supposed to use as a cap to prevent rampant public urination.

Kallie waiting for us to get home.

Now lets rewind just a bit and look back at Kallie during this period.  Upon bringing Cade home, Kallie seemed to have a mixed of emotions.  I had brought a hat and towel home early to let her get his scent.  Notwithstanding, she seemed initially indifferent to Cade upon his arrival, probably cause he wouldn't throw the ball to her or feed her, but certainly very careful with him.  On the other hand, Kallie clearly was anxious about all the things that came with him - the car seat, baby chair, rocking horse, diaper genie, etc.  Nevertheless, she was overjoyed to know that we were home.  I was able to take Kallie for a walk up to the park a couple times each day, and she was a very good companion and we had a couple nice rounds of catch.  In addition, Kallie was kind enough not to vomit, poop or pee in the house, and she certainly didn't try to fire a random stream of urine at us at any point. 

A little worried about the new thing in the house.

What the hell is that?!

As a few days passed, she slowly warmed up to Cade and was curious to learn more about the 7lb. crying, pooping machine.  Kallie's curiousity led her to get up close and personal, sniffing his face (or butt if he's got a loaded diaper) and licking his face if we happen to have turned our backs on them.  Though we think she's still a little jealous and not quite sure whether she wants us to keep him, she's close enough to curl up and keep him warm at nap time.  I expect she'll become a perfect big sister in no time.

Ok, he's not sooo bad.

Again we have an easy scoring week.  Kallie would win merely on the fact that I have to change Caden's diapers, which is the furthest thing from cute, but in light of the whole pee cannon incident, Kallie wins by a landslide.

Well, there's always next week.  What are you looking at anyway?

Score:

Kallie: 3

Caden: 1

- Papasaurus

A non-sequitor: A new contender!

Its probably a little early to get distracted, but I'm easily distracted, so oh well.  My affection for Cade and Kallie should be fairly apparent from this blog, but after last week, I think I have a new contender to vie for my attention.  I'm referring to the fried chicken at Federal Donuts in south Philly.  I can't help but think that within one week, I experienced perhaps two of the greatest days of my life - the birth of my son and tasting Federal Donuts' fried chicken.  If categorizing those things together sounds ridiculous, then go try the chicken!  Now, right now!  Get up and go to 2nd and Federal St, and order the fried chicken....they stop selling chicken some time between 1 and 2 pm so, you might not want to go right now, but as soon as possible.  Do it!

I'm not a big fried chicken fan, in fact I don't particular care for it, and rarely enjoy it for a meal.  However, after hearing all the over-the-top reviews, I felt compelled to give it a shot.  When I finally got there early in the afternoon, I order the "Harissa" flavored chicken to go - its spozed to have a little spicy kick to it. 

mmmmmmmmm......

When I got home and opened the box the smell was overwhelming.  The chicken had an appropriate amount of fried goodness on each piece.  But it was the first bite that won me over - I was immediately hooked like a crack-addicted dumpster baby (that was a good always sunny episode eh).  The chicken was perfectly juicy and tender.  The chicken flavor exploded into my mouth like Cade cannonballing out of Laura (perhaps not the most appetizing analogy, but I'm not a food critic, so whatever). 

I was reminded of the scene from the movie Ratatouille when the evil critic tries the ratatouille and is transported back to a defining moment from his childhood.  Although I experienced no such transcendent moment, I instead started hyperventilating and projectile drooling, as I tried to describe the indescribable flavors to Laura, who, in perhaps the single worst decision ever made by anyone, refused to try the chicken.  So there we were, me drooling over the chicken, Kallie drooling on the floor while dreaming of getting a piece of the chicken, and Caden vomiting up all over Laura. 

How'd she get there?

So, I thought I should compare the contributions of Cade and Kallie against the new contender, fried chicken.  The fried chicken left my stomach and taste-buds comfortably full and extremely satisfied.  It gave me fairly greasy hands though they were easily cleaned.  The addiction may also prove to be problematic and fattening but we'll need more time to see how that plays out.  On the other hand, fried chicken has not used our house as a bathroom or otherwise required any changing.  It doesn't wake up crying throughout the night, require frequent walks or lay all over the furniture.  Fried chicken also doesn't need an endless supply of accessories. 

Did I just poop my pants?

 

Change me...pwease?

Wake me up in an hour.

The point goes to fried chicken!  Fried chicken probably won't make appearances regular appearances, so we will just consider it an honorary point to emphasize its greatness.  Federal Donuts fried chicken - the best thing ever (other than Cade and Kallie, maybe).

Elitist bastards selling out of tasty chicken!

Kallie: 2  Cade: 1  Fried Chicken: 1

A Mother's Tale: Caden's Birth

When Pete asked me to be a guest contributor, I wasn’t terribly interested since my “free time” these days is usually dedicated to cleaning the never-ending spit-up, droppings, and urine; sweeping up the dog hairballs from our very stressed out and anxious puppy; and catching an occasional nap. However, once I read Pete’s interpretation of our dear son’s birth day, I felt obligated to convey the truth of that day to our dedicated followers. You see, my husband has a very interesting way of remembering things. Here is the story from Mommy’s perspective of Cade’s big day.

It was about 1:00 AM on Tuesday, December 6th when I started to feel some cramping. When I told Pete, he concluded it was most likely gas figuring it was too early for Baby Jaslow’s arrival. After all, he hadn’t even wrapped up his work at the office since he assumed the baby wouldn’t come until after his affairs were in order. Babies usually operate on a schedule that’s convenient for Mom and Dad, right?

I tried to rest for the next 2 hours, but the pain was getting progressively worse. By 3:30 AM, I decided it was time to wake my snoring husband. I told him I was going to go downstairs to eat something in preparation for the long day ahead and to try to practice my breathing techniques to ease the pain. I assured him that I would be OK and that he should get some sleep because the next 24 hours might be pretty exhausting. I wanted him to be well rested so he could keep me going throughout the day.

By 6:00 AM, I was in agony. I went back upstairs to find Pete sound asleep. (I really didn’t think he would be able to sleep knowing that I was in labor downstairs, but then again, this is the same person who fell asleep in every class in high school…and somehow still ended up with an A++++ average….and at our prom when he was “hypnotized” by the hypnotist who was hired as the evening’s entertainment. I still believe he just fell asleep.) Pete seemed in utter shock and disbelief when I woke him to tell him it was time to go to the hospital. In typical Pete fashion, he began cracking jokes to ease some of the tension. None of his jokes were funny. He also started snapping “cute” pictures of me in labor. None of these pictures were at all cute...see “Day 0: The Birth.”

When we got to the hospital, the jokes and the pictures kept on coming, as did my frustration with my baby daddy. What are some of the things my dear husband said, you ask? Here are some examples: “I’m so tired!!” “I’m hungry.” “I’m so hot. Why did I wear this sweatshirt??” On an ordinary day, these comments would not have upset me. But the fact that I had been awake all night, with only a half bowl of cream of wheat in my stomach, and sweating like I had just run a marathon, I could not have cared less about Pete’s mild discomfort. In addition to these remarks, the nurse on duty thought it would be helpful to tell me that my “contractions would get a billion times worse” and that what I was experiencing was “nothing!” Thanks, nurse… b*#%^. Little did this b*#%^ nurse know at the time, I was already 5 centimeters dilated when I walked through the hospital door. Take that, nurse!

It was around this time, that my favorite nurse decided to take some blood and hook me up to an IV. While I was writhing in pain from the contractions, and the nurse was searching for my hidden veins, Pete was turning as white as a hospital bed sheet in the corner of the room. He claimed, with what I thought were tears in his eyes, he couldn’t watch because it was making him queasy. I truly thought he was going to pass out. Now I thought, “Holy crap, I am screwed.” The nurse says my contractions are going to get a billion times worse, and my coach is about to pass out because of a very small needle!!

I was so thankful when another man came into my life on this particular morning: The Epidural Man (and he wasn’t even afraid of needles!). If I weren’t already married, and in the middle of birthing someone else’s baby, I might have kissed him. Within minutes of getting the epidural, I was saved. My pain subsided and my sleepy, hot, hungry coach was, once again, able to fall into a deep slumber on the nearby couch while we waited for Caden to make his grand entrance.

From this point on, Papasaurus did a pretty good job of accurately describing the birth of our son. Caden shot out like a “flash” (Pete says he foresaw that part which is why he was so adamant about his original choice of name) after only about 20 minutes of pushing and was placed (goo and all!) on my chest. It was truly a beautiful moment between Mommy, Daddy, and little "Flash.” My hatred of Pete’s jokes and picture-taking subsided. My coach did a terrific job getting me through the long day. All was peaceful in the world…well at least until it was time for baby Caden to eat.

-Mamadactyl

Day 0: The Birth

It took me longer to finish this post than expected, not because it was difficult to decide on the winner, but because i am freaking exhausted!  You try getting 4 hours of sleep in 1 hour increments over a period of a week.  So stop pressuring me!  Enjoy!

Caden's Day:

Something doesn't feel right....

I was sound asleep at about 1:30 to 2 am on December 6, 2011 when Laura woke me up to let me know she was experiencing some cramping.  I told her it was probably just gas and she should try and go back to sleep.  She woke me again at about 3:30 am to tell me I was wrong.  The cramping turned out to be labor pains.  I have not slept well since that night.  From what I've been told, it is probably the last night I will and that doesn't bode well for little Cade.

On our way to the hospital I attempted several jokes to ease Laura's anxiety.  Stuff like - "hey im pretty tired, mind if we stop for coffee" or "do you think we can walk to the hospital?"  None of that seemed to work, and I was quickly reprimanded.  :(

Make another joke and die!

We struggled through a couple hours of labor without the epidural.  It was especially tough for me to watch the IV going in.  The nurse really had a hard time finding the vein and the needle kept going in and out, pushing through laura's skin from within - I had to sit down.  Things finally settled down once we got the epidural man down to the room.  After a couple naps, baby was ready to start his great escape at about a quarter 5.

Caden's long planned and eagerly awaited escape took a mere 20 minutes to execute.  Notwithstanding a couple hours preparation, we were taken aback by his brazen getaway tactics.  Instead of a slow crawl to freedom through a couple inches of bodily canals that I can't even imagine (or maybe I just don't want to), he shot forth like a Slimer-covered Venkman cannonball,  He would have flown at least a 5 ft if the maidwife wasn't prepared  Screw D'Jack, that lady had soft hands to be able to haul in a line drive pass of a bodily fluid covered ball (or baby)!

Where did he come from?

From our perspective it was all shock and awe.  Human sacrifice, cats and dogs living together...mass hysteria!  Then, before cleaning or anything, Cade was laid down right on top of mom.  Come on!  He could have taken a quick shower!  We would have waited.  Well at least I was clean.

The moment was powerful, between the anticipation and excitement and the terror of required accompaniments.  So though the day will  rank up there at the top of my best days, I have had trouble deciding whether I could award Cade points for his terrifyingly foul jailbreak.

I'm going to pretend to yawn to lure them into a false sense of security and then freak out!!!

Then, if that wasn't enough, he cried on the warming table, crapped on the weight machine (note - he was the same before and after....how's that possible?), cried in the crib in the recovery room, leaked something on mommy, and then cried a little more.  Im confused about which day is which at this point so some of that crying might have happened on the second night but whatever.  At least I got to sleep at home.

Cade enjoying his first cigar.  It was chocolate, so don't call social services.

Kallie Day:


Kallie was just as confused as me when she got her morning walk at 6:00.  I think she started to fall asleep while peeing.  Of course she was over-joyed when she got to eat early.  Then she was sad when we left.

Don't pee in my house!

Luckily for her, our very nice friends, Michelle and Josh, took Kallie to play with her best friends.  Kallie first got to go for a walk with Michelle and Mato.  Kallie's confused and loves to hump Mato, so I'm sure that was a blast for her.

Later, Josh took Kallie back to his place to wrestle with Baxter the boxer.  They wrestle pretty aggressively so that got out a lot of her energy.  Baxter likes to pee after wrestling so fortunately they were playing at Josh's house.  Josh also left a surprise gift for laura in the fridge when he dropped Kallie off.

Laura hasn't been able to shut up about Guinness since month 5,  no day 5, of the pregnancy.

All these names are upside down!

When I returned home, I found a well-behaved Kallie sleeping on her beddy.  She was kind enough not to destroy anything in our home, which is a major plus.  She even helped me search for a name for Cade.  I know we had 9 months (maybe 10) to agree on a name, but we were planning on hammering it out during that final week.

I brought home one of Cade's hospital towels so that she could get his scent.  She was only temporarily interested.

I want a treat not a towel!

After a quick late night walk, Kallie jumped into her mom's spot on the bed to keep it warm for Laura.  She slept soundly, unlike what I was told about Cade's night...so thank you Kallie, but don't tell mom cause I said you required a lot of attention and had rhea in the bedroom.

Sweepy time.

Omg, who gave me a baby?

The Bottom Line:


Kallie was good and cute all day.  She didn't have any problems.  Cade had a lot of unpleasant foulness that came along with him but was a welcome addition to our family.  So, after careful consideration, I felt too cruel  not to give Caden any credit, and have decided to declare a tie for the day.  I've awarded both contestants 1 point for their contributions.

The Score:


Kallie: 2  Caden: 1

- Papasaurus

Next time: a new contender arises?